“No, NO, NO! You’re doing it wrong. Your form is terrible.”
I heard those words as soon as I hit the hotel pool and started gliding from one end to the other with the gentle motion of breaststroke. For the last 40 plus years, I’ve heard those harsh words in my head every time I slid into the water.
From the age of 6, I’d been in swimming lessons. I was never going to be in competition, but I loved earning the badges as I climbed the ranks from beginner to Bronze Cross. I was a moderately strong swimmer with decent diving skills. I kept pace, concentrated on improving my speed and nailing the underwater flip at the wall. The only thing I struggled with was breaststroke. My arms were fine, it was my legs that always went akimbo. I just couldn’t get my legs to sweep knees-calves-ankles-toes. And I was always criticized for it.
With every pull of breaststroke, I heard the voices of many instructors inside my head. Cajoling, shaking their heads, jumping into the water to push my legs the way they wanted them to go. I hated that part of class.
This week, the day after my 50th birthday, I got into the hotel pool and heard that criticism. This time I smiled, answered with a confident Fuck You and continued to pull myself through the water. It was bliss.
For the next 30 minutes, I alternated between front crawl and breaststroke. I didn’t count laps, I just kept going until I didn’t want to anymore. I had the whole pool to myself. I listened to the splash of the water against the walls. I paid close attention to my breathing. I wrote this blog post in my mind. And I didn’t once worry about which way my legs were turning.
It only took me 44 years to get over the criticism, but now that I’m over it, I’m into swimming again.
Care to share the one thing you can’t seem to shake?
I can relate so much to this blog. I was born with congenital hip dysplasia and all my life to this day I could never sit cross legged on the floor like all the other kids. I too loved to swim but because of my left hip I couldn’t do the breast stroke properly and had similar issues as you with instructors. In fact they wanted me to take a handicapped as they called it class. My mother refused and my love for swimming died shortly after. Thankfully my parents put a pool in our backyard which made swimming easier again. I totally forgot this until reading your post. Good for you. Fuck them!
It’s amazing how the words of others have long-lasting impacts. I’m glad you were able to be free in your own backyard pool.
I shook it and I’d love to share it. At some point in my life I heard, “I don’t want to hear another word out of you” and it stuck! Having the confidence to speak, write or talk on a live video is now happening because that was the words of one person. That person has been gone for four years now but her mark lived on within me. Those words were stuck in my subconscious as a belief. A self limiting belief. Interesting how those words didn’t stop me from talking and continuing to be me, but it did alter what I did share and is scared the confidence I knew I had to share. I found that root and yanked it up. I released that fish of self criticism and let it swim away. I wrote it down and wiped it off a white board. I wrote many journal entries about it, then something happened. I believed in myself. I had a voice that was changing how women thought about themselves and that voice can never be told “I don’t want to hear another word out of you”! Me and HER are one powerful voice that can’t be stopped by anyone!
Happy Birthday Dana and congratulations on releasing that self-limiting fish (LOL … swimming… fish!)
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming … because you can! YESSSSSS!!!!!
You wouldn’t think it would be hard to just let go and keep swimming, but it surprised me how long that negative voice lived inside my head. Good for you for overcoming that!